I see the warm sun rising. I see it crawl across the morning sky… crawling like a spider, each hairy arm clicking as it moves, now slowly and measured, now quick and precise.
Crawling like an infant tapeworm yearning to be heard by its mother. Hungry for recognition of its achievements and not just the shadow by a past never forgotten, and never healed.
These are the consequences of smoking.
These are the miracles a boilermaker performs.
Rise, Great star in the sky. Rise as you always do. Rise to shower us with ultraviolet radiation.
It is I, your Headmaster
Knower of songs that were never written and will never exist
Lurker for those who can no longer lurk on their own
Builder of things that should never be built
And I bring to you
The Montavera Chronicle
- Drama is brewing in the OGM, as Fishermen and Sailors commence their semi-annual cycle of controversial contention. During these times, civilians of Montavera often find it best to stay away from the ports, the beach, and the fish market, as the altercations between the two sects of the guild can become rather nasty. Typically, it’ll start with a colorful assortment of the foulest and most hurtful Yo-Mama Jokes, and it escalates from there, in what can only be described as a natural progression toward informal Crochet. After this frightful first round, it’s usually the sailors who (with the approval of the Council of Montavera, of course) begin the process of necromancy. Typically, the Fishermen will don their hyper-dimensional bandanas and beg the Astral Sentients for help, but this is more of a formality - everyone knows those sentients never get involved. After that, it’s anyone’s guess how events will unfold. Anyone likes guessing how events will unfold. It makes her feel like she matters. Like someone is finally paying attention to her. Of course, Someone never pays attention to her. Someone is always off with his friends, bar-hopping.
Still, you should all avoid venturing into those parts of town. At least until the Contention is over.
- The Engineers at the Mine of New Beginnings believe they have found something important. Not dragon bones. We’d all love it if they found dragon bones, but they assure us (after four months of work paid for by our taxes) that what they found is important. How important, you ask? Here’s what they had to say:
Hmmm… If I didn’t know any better, I would know worse.
I’m eager to learn what this important thing is that they found, especially since it appears that they’ve ceased excavating for the day to witness the unveiling of the important thing. I’ll keep you posted, Seekers.
- I’m a bit surprised by this, but it appears we have an unexpected guest in The Shrine. He’s causing quite a bit of commotion with my secretary and… Just a minute, Seekers. I have to go see what’s wrong. Here’s a little music to enjoy in the meantime.
- (Sounds of arguing, fighting, breaking stuff, chicken noises, woman noises, etc)
- Sorry about that. It seems there was a misunderstanding and as it happens, the so-called “Unexpected Guest” was not unexpected at all. The Oracles of Tongath had sent my office a sealed letter prophesying the arrival of this guest some 3 years ago, and I guess we lost that letter… probably because nobody ever listens to those old nonsensical crones anyway.
Well… Since our guest is here, why don’t we turn over the mic and let him introduce himself. (chicken sounds) Thanks for joining us. Tell me, have you heard from Trozuguru and his two hunters? (chicken sounds) You don’t say. And did they tell- (chicken sounds) Oh! Oh my! (chicken sounds) Oh no! But why hasn’t anyone warned us? (Chicken sounds) I understand. Thank you. And don’t worry. I won’t say anything. (Chicken sounds and chair sliding back and footsteps and door shutting)
I… I’m having a hard time believing it… but you heard it yourselves… And, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you… This MUST remain our secret. At least until… well… you know…
- The Shrouded Merchant of Yonder has setup shop catacorner from the Church of the Eversworn beast’s bakesale. Apparently, it made sense to host both events simultaneously since the amount of body heat generated in a single place would be enough to lure the mole people out of their holes. This is always good for business. We tried to approach the Shrouded Merchant of Yonder, but as we drew near to him, he was somehow always farther away, and I felt like I wanted to speak, but no sounds came out of my mouth, and I wanted to run, and a sense of terror began to spread outwards from my chest, filling me with a debilitating fear of the unknown.
It’s no wonder everyone loves this guy.
He’s got a really nice table with all sorts of SWAG and pamphlets about the newly proposed Wind Shrine. Better get there soon, Seekers. I hear he has those little slinkies you can push down the stairs and they look like they’re walking down the stairs all by themselves but in reality they never moved and you dreamt the whole thing. I love those.
- The Dynama Dojo has finally announced its name - you’ll never guess it - The Dynama Dojo!
They also revealed that the mysterious guru who will be taking on the role of Master Chief is none other than Broos Lyguru. As you know, I had been tipped off about the guru’s secret identity. As you don’t know, the tip I received was completely and utterly wrong and a lie. The truth is, I don’t know very much about Master Chief Broos Lyguru, but as Headmaster of the Shrine of Yonder, I intend to become very informed on the matter. I’ve already sent word for him to fill out a formal Identification of Unknown Longtime Master Gurus document, and I do expect it to be back shortly. We’ll get to the bottom of this.
- The Dark Raven Elders of the Church of the Eversworn Beast will be present at the bake sale. If you’ve ever wanted your own private audience with any one of the Dark Raven Elders, this is your chance. You can discuss matters of Theology, Dark Theology, Purple Theology, Spectral Theology, and Dead Soul Cupcake Recipes your grandma used when you were just a small maggot festering on dead corpses. You’ll find the Elders standing near the Altar where the Ageless Goat sits. Go there and kiss the goat’s hooves. The Elders will take you into a room of conversation. From that point forward, it is up to you and your imaginary friends to keep the conversation going. The Elder will simply listen.
- I’ve received two letters. One from Trozuguru in the Unwelcome Wood, and another from Broos Lyguru, from the Dynama Dojo. That didn’t take long at all!
The letter from Trozuguru reads:
“It’s very dark here. The skilled hunter has a torch, but it hardly does much to light the path. It’s as if the darkness itself were alive. Watching us. Toying with us. Something is very wrong here. Something unnatural. The unskilled hunter keeps tripping over his own feet. I didn’t really want to bring him but you know how those Best Hunter/Worst Hunter Deals go. I haven’t heard any insidious wailing as of yet. We expect that’ll start at night. I’m not sure how i’ll know the difference between day and night in this place. I suppose by the insidious wailing. We did find animal corpses with their innards ripped out and strewn all about. You know, like momma used to do.”
That’s all it says, Seekers. I guess he just wanted to rub his fun times in our face. Uncouth, if you ask me.
As for the letter from Bruce Lyguru. It’s not a letter at all, just the filled-out form I requested. Now we’ll finally get some answers.
Favorite color: green
Favorite food: spaghetti
Favorite music: don’t believe music is real. So…. Jazz.
Last time you rode a bike: Yesterday.
This gives us a lot to go on. At least now we understand. At least now we can empathize.
- We are receiving a live feed from the unveiling of the important thing at the Shrine of New Beginnings: <Sounds of winds and chaos> Huh! I guess it was nothing! Those engineers really need to up their game and get us these dragon bones they assured us they would find, or people might begin to question what’s going on. That cannot be allowed. People should never be allowed to question what is going on. They must simply… obey… the programmed… word.
- Finally, Seekers, a message from Cyberguru 2000 - one of the future gurus that do no yet and may not ever exist - Light is not light without darkness. Darkness is not darkness without light. They define each other. Up exists in relation to down. In exists in relation to out. Alive exists in relation to dead. But without one, the other vanishes into irrelevance. As such, each is both the source and the end of the other. If you can take this and see it for what it truly means, then you are more enlightened than you know.
Farewell Seekers, and never forget to spend time with your guru.