If ever you are approached by an old man wearing a black trapper hat with tiny skulls hanging from the rim and he’s holding a sealed letter stamped in blood-red wax, be extremely careful. This is no ordinary old man. Make sure you turn away from him. You’ll want him to believe You have no interest in his letter. Then make sure you turn toward him. You’ll want him to believe You are very interested in his letter.
You must then say to the old man, “By the blood spilled in the name of names, I have read the letter, Grandfather, and have unleashed the White Chameleon.”
The old man will smile and nod and walk away, knowing certain doom was avoided.
For now…
Welcome Seekers,
It is I, your headmaster.
Timekeeper of the Stone Frogs in Tongath
Grocery Shopper for little old babies
Secret holder and hider for the Guru of Yonder
And I bring to you
The Montavera Chronicle
- Seekers, I am excited to inform you that as of two days ago, that Gregory - my pet rattlesnake - was nominated for the Lifetime Achievement Award in the Field of Snaky Stuff. I can’t tell you what joy it brings me. We’ve worked hard these last few years. It’s not easy, you know, what with all the anti-snaky propaganda being pushed by The Opposition. The Opposition is always pushing things. Last week they pushed a painting on the wall until it was slightly off-center, JUST… TO GET… UNDER MY SKIN…. Oooh, I hate The Opposition. And I don’t HATE many things, Seekers.
But enough of that. It’s time to celebrate Gregory. I plan on taking him for a night out in the town. Gregory will undoubtedly ask for a mani-pedi and you know what? He deserves it! It’s not everyday they hand out these awards. Just every other day.
- The Philosophers of the 6th Water Shrine have begun building their experimental Shine atop Mount Ravinil, in hopes of harnessing Aura from the wind. I don’t need to remind you, Seekers, that this little stunt of theirs is likely an attempt to gain favor with the Guru of Yonder after the embarrassing events that took place at last year’s Lighting of the Torch That Isn’t There. I’ll never forget the look on everyone’s face when the water guru in charge of lighting the torch realized he was pouring water on the non-existent torch, rather than fuel, bringing the whole ceremony to a premature end.
These gurus - and I should add that apparently it is not all the water gurus from the 6th shrine who are embarking on this silly quest - but only some six or seven of them, are now asking to be referred to as Gurus of The Wind Shrine, and that all seekers who wish to pay homage to the Wind Shrine please keep the following in mind:
When approaching Mount Ravinil, you will inevitably reach a very old rope bridge we just built which will allow you to cross over a chasm of horror. After crossing this bridge, use your third-best singing voice to call out for a Mountain Guide. The Mountain Guide will then wait until the next blood moon before approaching you. You’ll know what to do from there.
Hmph… Looks like they just copied word-for-word the same instructions all shrines use. Figures. Is it too much to ask for a little creativity?
- The gorgeous new girl in town - the one who was delivered to us in a glowing orb by disappearing ocean ships from across the sea and now everyone knows her name to be Lenka - she now resides in the Montavera Clinic for Strangers with Unknown Origins Who Won’t Wake Up, or SWOWWU for short. She’s been clothed and fed by psychic palm-readers who are often used by doctors to clothe and feed people through the use of their psychic palm-reading ways. After several days of observation, the doctors concluded that they definitely asleep and it’s probably best not to wake cuz she might have cooties and yuck, can you imagine? They’ve decided to wait it out and grab BLT’s, but with fresh ingredients. So you gotta go to the Trader’s Market just North of the Unwelcome Wood to get those. They’re recommending that everyone in Montavera get their circle circle dot dot just in case.
They also stated that Lenka - beautiful, silver-haired, warmest-death-skinned Lenka - will have to answer many questions when she finally wakes from her slumber. Like, why is she here, where did she come from, and of course, the question on everyone’s mind: To be or not to be?
The whole city awaits, beautiful Lenka. The whole city.
- Many of you have been writing letters, asking for the whereabouts of my office. It seems that many of you are finding the labyrinth-esque portal-filled design of our shine a little bit difficult to navigate. I’m really not sure how to make it any more clear. It’s directly around - <Radio Static> - Just behind - <Radio Static> - with the other room. If really can’t make it any more simple than that.
- The Kindergarteners who have been planting coffee beans all over the city have begun to wear folded-up bandanas on their foreheads - the same kind of bandanas most people wear when forcing their own entry into the astral plane. No one dares ask them why, but if those kindergarteners are planning on invoking astral sentients to help with their secret coffee campaign, they have another thing coming. Astral Sentients have always been pretty clear that they do NOT take part in human affairs, or in dog affairs, sometimes in cat affairs, never in lizard affairs, always in chipmunk affairs, and every now and then in 1st grader affairs. Maybe this will teach those kindergarteners not to go messing around with coffee beans and hyper-dimensional bandanas.
- Flocks of Lilac-Breasted Rollers - my favorite bird - have been seen by flying from West Yonder to East Yonder and back. This alone is not a strange occurrence. Plenty of animals do this. Goldfish. Pine Trees. Indie Rock. You know, all those. But what made this particular migration stand out from the rest was the formation in which they were flying. Bird-watching experts described it as “Neither here nor there, now anywhere. Neither rabbit, nor hare, nor truth or dare.”
Have you ever of birds doing that? I have, but I’m not telling!
- The Guru from the 7th Thunder Shrine - the one that ventured into the Unwelcome Wood in search of the origins of the Insidious Midnight Wailing - has met with the locals and I must say, Seekers. What you’re about to hear is not for the faint of heart. It seems that his evil chicken called many of the locals, begging them to warn the Guru to leave the woods as soon as possible. However, after informing him of this, they’ve refused to let the guru leave the woods until he, in fact, discovers the source of the insidious wailing.
“Find it, Guru,” said one woman in a sackcloth. “Find it and bring it to us. We has many things to show it. Many things to tell it. Many things to eat it.”
The guru had no choice but to agree. She made a compelling argument, after all. The guru did make one special request, however. He was to be accompanied by their best hunter and by their worst Hunter.
“Of course, of course,” said the woman. “The old best hunter, worst hunter agreement, Yes.”
After shaking hands, and hugging it out, they decided to rotate hands and hug it in.
Then, accompanied by his two hunters, the guru went about his way into the wood.
- The council of Montavera has requested that every man, woman, and child immediately travel into the future and stop their future selves from purchasing the new hip and trendy brown wool sweaters. The council did not want to give a reason for this mandate, they simply began to bang their heads against the wall over and over repeating the word, “usual.“
Odd behavior from a group of unicorns, don’t you think? Now they’re going to have holes all over the walls.
The Festival of Starlight will still take place, even if everyone fails to complete their time-traveling mission. After all. The Festival… MUST… go on. But they insist that things will be much less unhealthy and threatening for everyone if everyone would just DO AS THEY'RE TOLD.
- Finally, I have here an entry from the memoirs of Lady Harnaguru, Founder and 1st Guru of the Fauna Clan. WHAT you are, what anything is, depends on the level of abstraction from which you consider the subject. If looked up from very very close, you, Seeker, appear to be nothing more than atoms, indistinguishable from a flower or the flu. If looked at from a further out, you appear to be a planet traveling through space, orbiting around a star. A single cell does not have a human mind, nor is it aware that the human has a mind of its own. The cell is satisfied with its cell mind, and yet, it is the human looked at from very close. Likewise, a single human does not have planet-mind, nor is it aware that the planet has a mind. It is satisfied by its human mind. Spend time with this perspective and you may just find that things begin to change for you.
- Farewell Seekers, and never forget to spend time with your guru.